In the last few weeks I have really pulled away from this blog.
To be completely honest, I have pulled away from most of the things in my life. I’m having a constant, never-ending battle with my health and I feel like I’m always losing. Just when I think I’ve taken a step in the right direction, I get pulled down again. The longer this tug of war drags on, the more hopeless and depressed I become.
I no longer have interest in my hobbies. I’m exhausted all the time so anything beyond watching tv seems like too much effort. On the other hand, I feel restless sitting in front of the TV all night, I need to do something else but at the same time I don’t feel up to doing anything else. I feel stuck. I need to move but it’s safer to stay put.
I have no desire to pursue my passions. I can’t even read a book for long periods without feeling impatient and anxious. I’ve put all of my projects on hold and have given up trying anything new. I’m irritable, often snapping at my husband for no good reason and besides him and a few close friends, I could really care less about the rest of the world. I know I will eventually see the light again and will be able to come out from behind my rock but for now, this is where I am stuck.
The land of the dark is my home away from home and I’m not sure when this visit will end. Some people have suggested I see a doctor and get on some hard-core medication but my stubborn mind refuses to accept “depression” as anything more than an emotion I’m currently facing. I absolutely believe that clinical depression is a serious and very real thing, and by no means am I trying to say otherwise, but for me personally, I will not admit that it is a possibility. I refuse to believe because to me, I would feel like I’ve given up. If you know me at all, you’d know that I don’t like taking pills of any kind, even when I have an excruciating migraine I will fight through it on my own to prove that I’m strong enough. The thought of relying on a pill to make me happy is ludicrous.
Whether it’s the right choice or not, I’m choosing to believe that this is nothing more than an emotion, no different than sadness or anger. I could very well be making things worse for myself by refusing medical help but the way I see it, I’m the queen of happiness and should be able to dig myself out of this hole. I’m really hoping that with a bit of support and encouragement from those I love, some permitted down time to submit to the darkness and sit with this emotion and the slightest win in my direction against my health will be enough to pull me back.
During this time, I ask for patience and understanding. I do not enjoy feeling like a burden. All I wish for is some tolerance and compassion from those around me. Please know that I would fix this if I could and I truly am trying to the best of my ability to fight this. Thank you to those who have been in my corner and have allowed me the time I need to win this. I will be forever grateful for your kindness.
I may feel alone and hopeless right now but I have decided that I’m going to fight for my life. I’ve come too far to give up now.
Happiness is a Lifestyle 